Validate Your Life

I was on a live coaching conference call talking about different brain changes and patterns with some other coaches and I thought about the prospect of sharing a personal story.  We were discussing how adolescents can sometimes be sensitized to things that other people may deem as unproblematic, like, for example, not having someone to sit with for lunch.  Yikes!  I instantly communicated the effect of delivering a bit of personal history with the purpose of galvanizing the conversation, session, and communication.  On the topic of offering personal anecdotes….ANYWHERE!

• in coaching
• in consulting
• in friendship(s)
• in conversations
• in romance-seduction
• in rapport-building
• in relationships with anyone!

I propounded ever-so eloquently if I do say so myself that offering a personal story could be helpful for four good reasons.  A personal anecdote can: (more…)

I just read this article (which was saved for me by a family member and was one of the first paper-based news articles I’ve read in a long time because I enjoy the efficiency, simplicity, and up-to-date-ness of electronic news).  In nutshell it details how some real estate morons plan to wipe away Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s former home in a puff of Holmesian pipe-smoke.  I had this reaction:

This is truly and deeply preposterous. It’s unsound and illogical to demolish the place THE PLACE in which Sherlock Holmes carried out some of his greatest achievements and was indeed born and died (in the mind and pen of Doyle). Charles Dickens has a house. Doyle’s creation, Sherlock Holmes, has a house. While both those (Dickens and Holmes) regardless of the latter being fictional, were never knighted. Doyle was knighted. He’s an exceptional author. His abode hold prominent historical signifance. Mutilating Doyle’s home to make way for the one of a million identical drab, boring, uniform and insipid apartments would not just be a literary travesty, but it would be idiotically non-prudent. Build the dismal apartments in one of the billions of other possible locations, but keep Doyle’s home intact. Bloody hell. This is where the guy who created Sherlock Holmes lived and wrote! What kind of imbeciles even have an inkling to consider replacing Doyle’s house with rubbish apartments?

Sherlock Holmes, although fictional, exhibits incredibly heroic qualities, such as his: (more…)

I’ve given Goal-Setting a lot of thought….and experience…..and saw it lead to a lot of failures…and occasional successes….but ultimately I’ve learned tha goal-setting is a fail agenda and a behavior that denigrates clarity and induces self-doubt all while unnecessarily increasing otherwise-avoidable stress.

Some of these may sound like semantics, but it really isn’t.  These different ways of looking at achievements changes the way your brain interprets goals and then achieve the outcome(s).

Here’s Why and How Goal-Setting is Fail:

• Inadequacy.  Goal-Setting is BY DEFINITION intrinsically and inextricably intertwined with INADEQUACY!   If you say “I must achieve xyz goal”, you’re setting yourself as someone who needs something, who currently isn’t complete.  Sure, improvement is an essential part of any success and progress, but this act of “goal-setting” is like sitting around and constructively moping about a state, thing, attribute, or quality and it pinions you in a state of inadequacy from the get go.  Bad times.  There’s many ways to improve without making oneself inadequate.   Just acknowledge your investment in achieving an outcome.
• Inefficacy.  Goal-setting, the very process and act of goal-setting just doesn’t bloody work!  Here’s a fantastic example: David Tennant.  Brilliant british actor possibly most known for his character the time lord Dr. Who in the television series by the same name.  Did Tennant land that role by goal-setting?  No, he became “absurdly single-minded” as he said in his own words about achieving that outcome he wanted, the outcome that he achieved.  And he OWNED his outcome.  The Dr. Who television series has  been on-going for over 26 years casting over a dozen people in the main role.  Tennant was by far the best Doctor.  People achieve things by occasionally focusing on them and working gradually towards them or being absurdly single-minded.  None of those achievement approaches involve goal-setting.
• Implies no plan.  This is related to programming.  If you want to achieve something, you’ll need a plan.  A procedure.  A sequence of steps, if-statements, and a sequence.  Goal-setting seems to make someone think they’re done when they decide on the outcome.  If you abandon goal-setting, you’ll put more time into devising the plan, sequence, intermediary progresses, and the programming to achieve an outcome.

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I originally had far too much on my plate trying to simultaneously Triple-Boot, sync calendars, email, and personal data across three operating systems.  The poorly written (but highly extensive) post to that insanity can be found here, as a previous post.  I never got the triple boot going in that post; this time, however, I DID!

July 18, 2010 — 1:43 PM  I’m really proud of this post.  I put a lot of time and effort and troubleshooting into it.  But most of all it’s rewarding and a project that was (on the rare occasion) an actual great use of my time, and congruent with my career, interests, and passions, and definitely aligned with computer science.  Plus, it’s essential to my interest and studies in operating systems.  So, jolly good!

First off, acknowledgements…Invaluable or at least moderately helpful sites for accomplishing the triple boost:

• MacBook TripleBoot Instructions
• Triple Boot Mac OS, XP, and Linux on a Mac – Wired How-To Wiki
• Ubuntu 10.04 LTS (Lucid Lynx)
• How to install Ubuntu Linux on a Mac
• How to Triple-Boot Your Mac with Windows and Linux, No Boot Camp Required

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I also must know YOU can only impat your emotions.  I (or anyone) can offer suggestions or advice or praise or insults but it’s up to you to feel good.  Everyone’s in charge of their own emotional state.  You are neither obligated nor have the power nor have the capacity to boost or change anyone’s emotional state.  Sure, you can know what triggers things in people but that is still THEM.  If I went to Africa, the same thigns I talk about here to boost people’s moods may not work their, or better, or whatever.  The whole point is that it’s someone else’s problem and state.  Even if I make someone else’s emotions my own problem that’s like trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle when you’re locked outside of the vault in which it’s in.  No one can open you vault but you, so only you can help yourself.  That self-reliance is reassuring and comforting and refreshing.

Analysis of Discarding and Keeping

1. Pain Potentially Consequential of Discarding Clutter
   1. Cost to Repurchase something I discard — Repurchasing something I discard rarely happens.  Additionally, the cost of storing and transporting something is probably equivalent the cost of repurchasing but discarding it doesn’t have any of the psychological baggage effects.  TRUE!
   2. Time to refind the item to repurchase if feel need it after discarding the item.  – This is probably equivalent to finding the item amongst heaps of clutter, but true some items cannot be found but some items that discard, you don’t want to ever find again!
   3. Fear of discarding something unpleasant will cause me to repeat that unpleasant experience.  — This is the “vacuum” idea that if I discard the flyers from Los Angeles rubbish apartments, or psychology meetings, or the like, I will then repeat those to “fill the void” of that negative space.  This idea is that if I keep the unpleasant reminder, it won’t happen again.  To some extent this may be true, but it would be very painful to keep and so many unpleasant reminders that you dont’ get away from the spaces that caused the unpleasantness and make pleasant memories.
   4. Erroneous thought that discarding something may discard a “part of me”.  – This is unlikely because I put so much scrutiny into discarding items and it is illogical because some random book doesn’t define my identity.  True!
2. Pain Consequential of Keeping Clutter
   1. Physically trapped — can’t move as easily
   2. COST — cost of storage of keeping clutter and the cost of moving vans or even cars of moving clutter is abominable and gross.
   3. Overwhelm — massive stress simply from keeping track of all the clutter and sorting it and storing it and transporting it! It’s a massive headache and overwhelming source of pain!
   4. Doubt Self — Yes, keeping so many clutter belongings does cause self-doubt because you start to become uncertain if those past bits of rubbish are “me”, when of course they are not. If I pick up a book that turns out to be absolute rubbish, I am not that book.
   5. Anxiety and stress of keeping all the stuff.
   6. My digital files go neglected — THIS IS THE BIGGEST Incentive for eliminating clutter.  I live in my computer.  I’ve written a ton and I study and take tons of notes and almost everything is digital for me. If I have a ton of material space clutter, my digital files naturally (because of their being a constant amount of time in the universe) go

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The great Tony Blair once stated the truism:

“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes.  It is very easy to say yes.”

Indeed, when it’s so easy to become toxically riddled with guilt or shame, or simply having a bad habit of serving others requests at your expense, it can be very easy to say yes, and difficult to say no.  But a “No” is what is needed.

Brilliant article excerpt from earthlingcommunication on the different classifications of saying no, providing you with some options (This site had the same list, so I am not sure of lists origin.  Neither site properly cited.)

Variations of How to Say no

There are many variations of saying no. Each are suited to specific situations. Choose which one you think is best for the situation:

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Top Reasons Why People Find it Difficult to Let go of Hurtful People

• Fear of Rejection
• Strange, but true. Fearing to cross someone off your list means you somewhat fear rejection from others. Don’t ever fear rejection; you must interpret everything merely as feedback!
• Fear of People Attacking Back
• You may fear people retaliating. For me I feared the people cutting off financial support, supplies, and “material things”.
• Fear of New Behavioral
• Old habits die hard. Period.
• Top Most inefficient ways that People Exclude what They Don’t Want
• A lot of this works subconsciously….
• Do things to make them unattractive.
• Outrageously insane, but, yes, true. Some people gain weight, tarnish their image, purposely (subconsciously) look disheveled to “repel” people and things they don’t like, but don’t know how to exclude.
• Punish themselves

Yep the old, “it’s my fault” line creates a lot problems.
Get out of their mind and into yours. Your mind is a colorful, alive, limitless place – trust me, you want to go there!
Every people-decision in life opens a door and closes another. YOUR spirit and existence would benefit greatly to manufacture precise actions that open the door of Welcoming of exhilaration, romance, joy, jubilation, honesty, clarity, and quality, precision, freedom, strength, and grace, while closing the door of Misery of repulsive vilifications, confusion, frustration, angst, and pain. So many of us close the Welcoming door and open the Misery door. Don’t do that! You either welcome the right, good, quality people and events into your life that make you feel sincere, calm, and energized and feel warmth from the world, or you let in the infectious people, situations, things, and habits that taint your worldly perspective obfuscating your weltanschauung with bleak misery. Your interpretation of the zeitgeist reflects whom you welcome or do not welcome into your life. Do not even give yourself the choice to not close Misery doors and open Welcoming doors of genuineness. Just develop an instinctively intrinsic validation system to always slam shut the Misery door and fling open the Welcoming door.
This sounds simple, but, often the simplest things need the most alignment.
Let me know if you think this sounds too harsh, haughty, or haranguing, or if you have related ideas.

(Modified-Reconstructed 2007 Post).

Important words here. Excluding dangerous, abusive and destructive people, habits, and things from you life does not classify as “holding grudges”. Protecting yourself, your mind, your life, from people that hurt you, make you feel neglected, make you feel shitty, lost, confused, and foul does yourself a favor. Whenever you put time into “thinking” about people – even if it’s thinking about how to avoid them – you give them fallacious power. Power does not exist, but I used to spend a lot of time getting enraged when people I didn’t like contacted me. Does that process have a desirable purpose? No, because you can’t make anyone feel blame. Don’t give undesirable relationships the privilege of hearing your words (even if you deliver vilifying insults – that response could still be rewarding for them than ignoring a person).

So, conclusively, one thing I have done to prevent emotionally abusive people, debilitating habits, or miserable places from entering my life is remove them from my contacts list. Then It’s simple. If you get a call or message from someone who is not on your list of people who “support your beliefs, call you back, and are “active” in your life” you just ignore them! Or if you get an urge, a compulsion to execute a destructive habit, you just ignore that impulse!

One common reaction to excluding people and saying “no” to people (implicitly, just cutting them off) is the sensation of guilt. The involuntary reaction of guilt originates from illusion; it doesn’t exist, but it gets you to do things that bring you more pain and turmoil. Here’s an example: I would frequently get calls and emails from people that brought me pain, blatantly insulted me, and hurt me in the past. I’d exclude them (delete emails, delete messages, etc.) but then would feel my unconscious reaction of guilt speaking up saying: “Don’t hold grudges. Maybe those people are different now. Call them back.” I’d listen to my idiotic “guilt-based ego voice” and, once again, I’d go flying into a tormenting, painful, confusing, and denigrating interaction with those people then. Therefore, indirectly, it was “Guilt” that operated as my greatest enemy. It was guilt that tricked me into diving back into destructive experiences.

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How does simply ignoring, rather than reprimanding, scolding, yelling, undesirable people, habits, or occurrences benefit our longevity’s efficiency? Because you stay in control that way, while sectoring your time to share it with exciting and authentic experiences. A computer server has millions of requests “knocking on its door” all the time, every second of every day. Yet there are thousands of protocols and “permissions” files within that server that immediately tell it what to do (and what not to do) with “packets” of information received on the internet. Did you ever get that “Error 404 Not Found” error while surfing the internet? If you’ve browsed enough pages, you know what I’m talking about.
An internet server has a busy life. It doesn’t have time to shut-down all operations and yell and scream and get enraged at an “excluded host” when contacted! It can only afford – thankfully – to send a quick, instantaneous programmed response, “Error no access”, so it can focus its processing power on the good, resourceful tasks – exchanging data and updates and requests and gets and formulas with permissible hosts on the internet.
Your interaction with the world and people should be the same. You open up your emotional doors of clarity, honesty, and sincerity to those “permissible” hosts and quickly exclude the “impermissible hosts” (those people that do not fulfill and support your beliefs, nor ideas, nor call you back).

(Modified 2007 Post)

See, there exist thousands of books and platitudes and ideas out there fore how to “Get what you want”, but you can barely find any material detailing how to “Exclude what you don’t want”. I’ve read hundreds of books that talk about having your personal esteem aligned means things you want get drawn to you, naturally. The Law of Attraction. Fine and dandy, but what do you do when things and people you do not want get drawn to you?! If you didn’t exclude what you don’t want but had what you want drawn to you, you’d be eating a dinner with the most gourmet, perfectly cooked, broiled, bright red lobster with dazzling butter on one side of the plate and on the other-side you’d have a couple of scoops of foul, maggot-ridden cow dung! Sounds ridiculous but you indirectly get that “interesting cuisine combination” of cow-dung and lobster when you attract what you want, but don’t exclude what you don’t want. You have reached a point of personal sincerity in your life where you deserve and have the capacity to get a life platter of lobster and fresh genuine vegetables (no more cow dung) on the side.

(Modified 2007 Post)

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I know this stuff, I am like a doctor.

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