Validate Your Life

I’ve given this a tremendous amount of thought.  No, more.  I’ve written chapters in books to this topic. No…More.  I’ve devoted many years of my life to interacting with people and trying to treat all people as equal of equal intelligence.  My mantra, rubric, guideline, personal manifesto, what have you, was something along the lines of this (outlined in the 8th chapter of the complete rubbish book I wrote, Validate Your Life):  “Everyone is of equal intelligence; we all simply channel our intelligence cultivate intelligence rather into different areas.  Meaning that someone watching tv beomces “an intelligent couch potato”, someone who studies manifolds and topology, becomes an intelligent mathematican.” Right, sounds elagitarian, equal,  all for one one for all nice humanitarian perspective of the world and the minds it, right?

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In the business, professional, internet, or any world with which you associate yourself. Professionalism, formality, closure and safety are all important. Read on to see why contracts move goals forward!

1. Formality. It adds to the REALNESS of the coaching relationship for BOTH the client and coach. As a coach I don’t want some client joking around wasting my time if they aren’t committed to changing. I take coaching VERY seriously. I’ve deliberately started and stopped smoking for 2 month segments specifically for the purpose of learning about the addiction so I could educate myself on how to help clients break it! I take coachign incredibly seriously and I need clients that are committed to changing as well! From the Client POV, I’m sure a sincere and focused client who’ serious about achieving his/her goals WANTS a serious coach who’s determined to make them realize their goals and potential!! A contract creates this formality to the coaching-client relationship.

2. Closure. A contract creates closure and certainty on the duration of the coaching. This is ESSENTIAL for goal-setting because it shows the coach and client how fast they ahve to move and what they will have time to cover or not. If the coach and client only have 2 coachign sessions, they’ll most certainly have to focus on different things than if they had 10 coaching sessions. A contract creates closure.

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I stumbled across a flirting, date “tip”. This was phrased as a tip and it was about self-touch. It detailed that if a woman is interested in a man, she will touch her chest, leg.

I know (because I’ve dated women and we’ve discussed how they don’t subscribe to that) that some women do not touch themselves ad a part of their body and then expect a man to obsequiously sidle up to her because of HER romantic interest. And as a male, I personally don’t subscribe to that either. Why? Because the times that I observe with my fairly advanced body-language observation skills that a woman is doing some peculiar array of gestures and contortions that she is convinced is supposed to “express her romantic interest” (when in fact walking up to me and saying “I’m romanticlaly interested in you, want to chat?” would be the most phenomenal turn-on possible!) I was repulsed with how little confidence such a person has.

I guess my question is, doesn’t that seem awfully reflective of the woman not having confidence? What’s stopping the woman from boldly going up to a man that she’s interested in and introducing herself? Why must she do this bizarre courtship ritual where SHE touches her self because SHE is interested in a man and instead of acting on HER romantic interest, she feels imprisoned in a set of cultural customs to passively “lure” her sycophantic romantic “prey” over to her? What percentage of women subscribe to such nonsense? I have absolute certainty that it’s no 100% because I’ve met women who laugh at those tactics. What’s frightening is that I think the percentage is quite high. In many ways, doesn’t this passive, low confidence, indirect role that such a high percentage of women play ultimately condemn their outspokenness, their directness, their assertiveness in the relaitonship?

As homo sapiens were consciously are endowed with teh capacity to NOT resort to bizarre ritualistic courtship mating drills like the ones birds resort to that involve a flashing of colorful feathers and an exotic dance. As humans, we have the capacity to see the inherent ridiculousness in and the confining ramifications of courtship “drills” and even gender roles. And with our consciousness, we can live more full and complete and more importantly, more direct with our emotions in a way that relinquishes us from “moratorium of hte unknown”.

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just woke up, just water, wore black (Great), no food, no coffee before, energizing awesome convo. good. I saw a darren brown and david tennant clip (for darren’s tv show) and I relized that they went out into public to have a woman draw a picture and david was supposed to have predicted what she’d draw, but the interesting thing was how it almost seemed like david and darren were competing for the woman’s attention to impress her! LOL these two HUGE awesome dudes and names (darren brown and david tennant) with huge massively successful careers, were almost primarily focused on this woman’s attention. I mean i have a ton of respet for david, but my reverence for darren (he’s just so gnalry) is off the charts, so seeing both these two extraordinary guys doing very unextraordiariny stuff (trying to impress a woman and have
vulnerability in that — or maybe that is extraoridinary too!! ;D) was an eye-opener.

I mean Tennant is THE Dr. Who! How much more cool and successful and impressive is that from a sci-fi POV. And Darren….well that guy’s just unfathomably cool and he represents the apex of all the skills in which I have been and currently training. So DB just operates on this unimaginably awesoem level of success. But so here were these two amazingly successful people whom I have massive respect for, doing something very common and normal — kind of “flirting with a woman”!! These guys were just doing what any normal guy would do — flirting with this woman! I mean I guess I figured at some level of success I erroneously thought you wouldn’t have to worry about those htings (flirting, courtship, etc) but while I’m sure those guys don’t worry about them, they still DO them. Romance is alive for every person regardless of their level of success. In many ways I htink romance is kind of the common denominator that makes someone’s career or their image etc, operate from a baseline: yeah we are all human, we all have human emotions. Cool! But it was something to which I could relate. I could only look up to their careers — wow, db’s nlp skills insane! etc — but when I saw them flirting with this woman, I was like “Hey!! Hey! Hey, I’m on the same level with them in that regard at least!!”

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Staying On Top of the Game: Declining Invitations Gracefully

Treat every invitation as a mere compliment and that way declining the invitation is a lot easier to do!! When someone invites you to a group, a party, an event, or to be a member that’s a MASSIVE compliment!! They’re saying “hey, we like you, we can tell you’re a good person, we want to interact with you more often or on a regular basis”. So often very nice and grateful people find it difficult to decline invitations they can’t accept for fear of it looking like a sock in the gut in the face of “great praise of an invitation”. Therefore, merely treat each invitation as a simple huge compliment to which you say “Thanks!!” and act incredibly grateful toward the compliment aspect of the invitation!! But most importantly do that AFTER you decline. How you end is emphasized when communicating so end with the praise, on the upbeat. So immediately say “Oh I’d love to, but I can’t. But you guys are soo awesome wow!! Fun times for sure!! Jeez great group of people!” So you get it clear that you decline the invitation but then you smother that declination with praise and herald and more gratitude again, so the part about you that people like — the grateful, appreciative, respectful, loving part — stays on even keel, stays emergent, stays in the game.

Why is the skill of declining an invitation so vital to remaining positve, focused, clear, and ontrack with your own goals?? Possessing the skill to effectively and gracefully decline inclinations is essential to achievement.

What’s amazing to me is how so many people are connected. I was reading up on Malibu and came across Santa Monica Daily Press. GREAT magazine. And there was an article on Roman Polanski and learned that his wife Sharon Tate was murdered by Charles Manson, which is really fucked up. And Owen Wilson lives in Malibu and has been declared part of the “frat pack” the zoolander cast of comedy actors. All of this research stemmed from reading up on Australian History earlier to day and getting 5/5 100% on teh Australian citizen test. And then learning about how Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez are brothers is another weird Coincidence. It’s just weird how all these people in california in the sub-zones are related in backstory or something.

The Manson thing was really fucked up and disturbing. Apparently the guy got a bunch of drugged up hippies and disgusting losers to have Beatle album names to plans kind of like Fight Club actually but to murder people out of some distorted view of a racial war. Just a sick disturbed, loser pathetic, vile freak.

It was disgusting reading about that, but I realized that I do a lot of things to avoid being bad or fucked up. It’s GREAT not to be vile or fucked up, but I should be focusing on thing that I want, not what I don’t want. A LOT of my past emails and communications with people have a construct of being polite and cordial for the purpose of not wanting to appear disorganized. It doesn’t work when you put effort into NOT being like something, gotta move towards something. Be something.

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Trusting and Most Importantly LIVING OUT your Intuitive Knowings and Understandings
The crazy and most disturbing and frustrating thing about no resources in Chicago, is that I KNEW that back in 2006 when I went to CA. I knew I didn’t want to go back to Chicago and when I went to my CC graduate and then on to LA, I had set in my mind that I was done with Chicago. But then biological family and other people contradicted that personal conviction. I think my uncle, my dad, my mom, etc. thought I’d be better back in Chicago. The best thing to learn from that (after spending a year CONFIRMING my original observation and truism — that I’m done with Chicago) is HOW can I validate to such an extent that I don’t let other people’s views or beliefs get in my way. Life would be terrible if you KNEW things (like being done with Chicago), but then had to spend a year “validating that conviction for others”. I tried my best in chicago to make it work, but knew in the back of my mind that I had made the decision to not come back to it. This created confusion. When people ask “where I’m from”, I just tell my story of feeling like CA is home, having been physically born in chicago, but don’t really know what to say! I think the best lesson is, when someone gives you advice on something that contradicts a personal, sincere decision you’ve made, then SHARE that decision! An example was when my grandmother told me not to take the care to the Thanksgiving celebration in Walla Walla. I had planned to do that and she contradicted my decision. It’s great and okay to have people that contradict your decisions, but just ensure that you just look at that as “awareness of a disagreement” and not as evidence that you need to change something about your life. That’s refreshing. Another example: I didn’t tell my parents that I had made the decision to not go back to chicago. So I think a goal of mine should be expressing the why and how I have certain convictions about what I want to do with my life. That will accelerate my success. It’s like I know, better than anyone else in the world, what I’ve done and where I will most likely have success. That makes sense, right? I mean how could someone else — no matter how close — without knowing all of my experiences, choices, emotions, and “how I work” possibly EVER “know” how I can create success for me, better than myself? Such a possibility is nearly inconceivable. Granted, many people DO seem to know me well and offer incredibly validating and aligning advice (like yourself), but ultimately you are the person who knows best. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of my life doing things that I know wouldn’t work but enduring them because other people felt they would work (seeing shrinks, going back to chicago, etc. are examples). I’ve been forced to see 8 shrinks (some were great friends, some were the epitome of a problematic people), but I NEVER voluntarily chose out of my own volition to see any of them. It’s time to start operating from volition and just making “a mental note” of others views or contradictions to that. I feel like my parents are tied into this, like my dad thinks he knows what’s best for me and I trusted that more than I trusted my own convictions. I don’t think one should ever do that. That all goes back to Saying No!!! If you can effectively say no, you end up sharing your convictions with people and don’t do things that are contradictory to your life.

In fact, the past year in Chicago — with all the things I’ve done for other people (therapy for parents, spectator/audience for friends’ bands, brothers games, parents business events, meeting with other contacts, etc. etc. — I just look at as Pure Service. I mean doing peace corp in Africa would be close to a vacation! Because I’d actually get official credit for that service with that program. I don’t seem to have acquired that in Chicago. But it’s great to know how I’ve classified the past year with Chicago; it’s simply been one big selfless act of service. That’s the only thing, for me at least, to do in Chicago! Great, that was good. But now that’s done. No more selflessness, just my life, my success.

Others’ Performances and Saying No = Non-Mandatory Events
You’re SOOO right about saying no. Saying yes for fear of hurting the others’ feelings, creating disappointment, or for fear of altering how they view and think of you. Looking it at that way I suddenly realize we just have hundreds of “invitations” (to buy this, go to that, say no to that, go in this door, out that door, etc.) to do things throughout life but NON of them are mandatory!!! You don’t have to go to anyone’s stuff, if you don’t want to, but I still do. I’m seeing my friends’ band Cobalt for the 4th time tonight. They’re great, but again, its an example of yet another thing that is me spectating someone else’s successes someone else’s performance, when what I really want to be doing is DOING my performance, my event, that’s scheduled and people are there to see John. That’s not the case with going to see the band. Everyone’s there to see cobalt, which is great. It’s their event, just like my brothers’ track and basketball games are about him, and my parents Innovation Awards were about them. I find it unsettling that I went to all of those events for them, but no one came to my college graduation except for all the students with whom I was graduating with, which was great.

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The tragic loss of Heath. This is shocking; it’s unbelievable. I feel partially mourning, partially stunned. He was an incredibly composed and immensely talented actor. My favorite role of his was in “Lords of Dogtown” as the Venice Beach “skate-boarding king”. But this, according to his father, “tragic, untimely, and accidental” incident brings with it a huge host of concerns. Did Heath become too consumed by his work? His dark projects as a heroin addict or a suicidal character? Did he ever do an emotional “check-up” after his break up with Michelle Williams? Reports say he couldn’t sleep and couldn’t “stop thinking”. Acting takes more then resilience and perseverance. It demands tremendous clarity and profound determination of the will. I’m not saying Heath didn’t possess that, at all. But what I am conveying is you have to build your foundation first.

You have to focus on your spirituality, your emotional management, you have to understand your intrapersonal knowledge, and focus years on your dreams, goals, authentic likes and dislikes before committing to a profession as tidal and tortuous as acting. We must NEVER let our work and career or relationships with other people (regardless of how intimate) ever stand before or eclipse our emotional freedom and peace, spiritual identity, and mental clarity. If you commence a full-time acting career without an infinite awareness of the your own spirit, and a tried-true-and-tested system for keeping your life organized and your core values aligned, the profession will feel like a dangerous Tsunami. Any profession to which we commit must always come secondary or tertiary to understanding our spiritual place and identity, your emotional capacity and sensitivity, and your ground-level life management skills.

We should mourn Heath’s death, but use this as an opportunity to re-evaluate our life and ensure that we perpetually meet an enormously high requirement of staying inspired and emotionally, mentally, and most importantly, physically healthy. We can learn to look at death differently by appreciating life. We must also be reminded that life always has the winning hand to death. Additionally, we must demand that our social, peer, and close friend group is intuitive, nurturing, and inspiring, but all while deeply understanding that only we can create peace for ourself. Great poet and essayist, Ralph Waldo Emerson writes, “Only you can create peace for yourself. You can only create peace through the triumph of principles.”

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Being one of the most integral components of a functioning human relationship, trust creates harmony, but too much of it engenders dangerous vulnerability. A healthy amount of trust allows two or more humans to experience openness and congruence with one another. From this one learns the benefits of altruism, the joy of selflessness, and warmth of giving. Furthermore, an inadequate amount of trust creates a conscience lacking in warmth and expression, riddled with conspiracy and checkered with subterfuge. Nevertheless, if one resorts to any extreme of trust – too much of it or too little of it – one could experience lack of defense or paranoia, respectively.

Vulnerability not only creates openness to love, but it creates susceptibility to attack. Aggressively mendacious and belligerent people, unfortunately, do exist. Being wary of engaging too much is being conscience of psychological predators in the world. However, if one becomes so depleted of trust that excessive paranoia sets in, this could be considered a more viciously unhealthy malady than excessive or uncalculated trustworthiness.

The fine median is to be meticulous with our trust. With a dubious person, or when your intuition is on alert, be miserly with your trust. Play it safe. However, one should never universally apply a method of frugality in regards to trust because trust opens the door to vulnerability, and it is the fusion vulnerability combined with a commitment to dynamism that creates a synergistic experience.

In his famous book, “Future Shock”, Alvin Toffler wrote, “Society is a wave. The wave move onwards, but the water of which it is composed does not”. In other words society is warped; something about it isn’t natural, it isn’t right. Waves cross thousands of miles of open ocean fetch expanse, carrying water from storms on the other side of the globe. That’s what waves do; they carry water. The societal wave does not do that. It is a mutant “wave” of stagnant immobility. It’s a distorted entity that has forgotten its core roots. Society has forgotten it’s heritage.

Society is merely progeny of culture. Culture is infinite, while societal is constructed, man-made, materialized. In short, society is finite. When you think of society you think of restrictions and permissions of what you can do and what you can do based on the amount of prizes you’ve “earned”. Of course you don’t earn the prizes in any way different than a preschooler earns a gold star by coloring in the lines. Culture, carrying myths and stories and history from the end of time, is boundless. Society is a hierarchy with no personal history. Joe Schmoe and Abraham Lincoln carry as much importance in humanity in culture; for they are both humans that lived. In society, however, Joe Schmoe’s life — his challenges, accomplishments, trials and tribulations — go unacknowledged. Society, therefore, is the naive child of the grander scripture, culture. Society is various parts and linearly components that myopically function together. The stories, myths, traditions, and heritages compose parts integral to culture, but together, the cultural components create a gestalt. Society blandly constructs parts to complete a whole, while the infinite culture is the grand picture, synergistically larger than the original painting.

By the way, if these words irk you, dear reader, then read on, for these truisms exist for you. They exist not to rile your bile, but to stew you to eschew that vacant grasp on what many call “society”.

An essential component of of all societal citizens is to forget their culture ancestry. People living in society have abandoned their roots for the sake of finite prizes, titles, bureaucratic shenanigans. Society thrives under the veil of false necessity. Citizens become deluded into thinking they need society, when all they need, all their intrinsically interact with is culture. Society is the maya, the illusion, concealing the infinite boundaryless culture. Why has this sham perpetuated? Simple, society awards prizes (titles, honors, prestige, which lead to new finite game titles) to those who perpetuate the veil of society. We’re made to believe that the president of a corporation, or president of a country, or some grand Nobel award is something worthy of a life devotion. In reality, such belief — devoting your life to a relationship with society — is about as pragmatic trying to shake hands with a shadow; you’re left with nothing but emptiness.

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True love, that genuine rare art form, is ultimately psychotic. Learn to love the wild. Embrace the rifts, tides, and currents of that change. Create your unknown and then live to understand your reality. Truth is subjective; discover your own wisdom and comprehend the desires of your intrinsic beauty. This should function as a wake-up call for all your music. No more snooze or booze; time to use your capacity for that rhythmic sagacity.

If you engage guile about serious issues, you’re also engaging apathy. Using guile facetiously is fun, clever, and amusing, but about serious pursuits, guile becomes deceptive and slaughters authenticity while emerging apathy. Apathy precludes any and all opportunities of congruence. Congruence, to some people like Carl Rogers, is literally consecrated. It’s like sanctified. Congruence opens direct conduits for healthy, genuine exchange with people. We’ve got to engage economically-compassioante congruence. What this means is if someone’s debilitating or creates disbelief of auspicious things or has inauspicious vibes, we should disavor congruence. Then if you respect a person AND they generate propitiously healthy belief fortitudes for you, cultivate congruence with those and only those people.