Validate Your Life

“I’m not interested”. “I love your energy and you’re doing a great job selling, but I’m not interested, mate.” “I can tell you REALLY want me to, but not interested. Thanks though! Happy travels!” “No, zero interested”. There’s magic in those phrases. There’s abundant, liberating, FREEDOM in those phrases. What do those phrases do? Those phrases reclaim your time. Those phrases reclaim your life. In life, all you really have is time. It’s arguable that you have decisions and time, but for someone committed to taking action (less decision-making), you truly only have time. Utilizing your time with the right decisions will earn you money, put you in the best place in the world, where you want to be.

If you don’t have the capacity to say those phrases, and control YOUR time, do you know how dangerous life will become??!!! Your life will become someone else’s life. Some salesman who invites you to test drive his car, or some teacher who wants you to pay them to take her class…all of those things you will do and people will drain you of money, drain you of time, drain you of life.

People may get offended if you politely tell them you’re not interested. Guess what? Their feeling offended is NOT your problem! If someone says to you “I’m not interested” and I feel offended because someone expressed their opinion about an offer, I’d have a seriously low-esteem or “taking things personally” or confidence problem! So honor someone being offended by you politely saying “I’m not interested, but I appreciate your offer” as some problem THEY have!!

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I stumbled across a flirting, date “tip”. This was phrased as a tip and it was about self-touch. It detailed that if a woman is interested in a man, she will touch her chest, leg.

I know (because I’ve dated women and we’ve discussed how they don’t subscribe to that) that some women do not touch themselves ad a part of their body and then expect a man to obsequiously sidle up to her because of HER romantic interest. And as a male, I personally don’t subscribe to that either. Why? Because the times that I observe with my fairly advanced body-language observation skills that a woman is doing some peculiar array of gestures and contortions that she is convinced is supposed to “express her romantic interest” (when in fact walking up to me and saying “I’m romanticlaly interested in you, want to chat?” would be the most phenomenal turn-on possible!) I was repulsed with how little confidence such a person has.

I guess my question is, doesn’t that seem awfully reflective of the woman not having confidence? What’s stopping the woman from boldly going up to a man that she’s interested in and introducing herself? Why must she do this bizarre courtship ritual where SHE touches her self because SHE is interested in a man and instead of acting on HER romantic interest, she feels imprisoned in a set of cultural customs to passively “lure” her sycophantic romantic “prey” over to her? What percentage of women subscribe to such nonsense? I have absolute certainty that it’s no 100% because I’ve met women who laugh at those tactics. What’s frightening is that I think the percentage is quite high. In many ways, doesn’t this passive, low confidence, indirect role that such a high percentage of women play ultimately condemn their outspokenness, their directness, their assertiveness in the relaitonship?

As homo sapiens were consciously are endowed with teh capacity to NOT resort to bizarre ritualistic courtship mating drills like the ones birds resort to that involve a flashing of colorful feathers and an exotic dance. As humans, we have the capacity to see the inherent ridiculousness in and the confining ramifications of courtship “drills” and even gender roles. And with our consciousness, we can live more full and complete and more importantly, more direct with our emotions in a way that relinquishes us from “moratorium of hte unknown”.

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Holmes’ Meta Strategy!
This is the transcription and reflection on Robert Dilts’ Strategies of Genius.

Perception of Clusters of Details —> Behavioral Observations + Environmental Observations —> Inferences —> Combinations of inferences —> Conclusions

Cultural Assumptions & Facts are matched up with the observations to draw inferences, then the inferences are “compiled” to generate conclusions.

Why is Holmes Strategy so useful to learn?
Well, for one, Sherlock Holmes (although fictional) is the greatest observational-deducer probably ever to exist in our imaginations or out of it. The fact that he’s fictional does not prevent his techniques from being genuine, applicable, and highly useful. The observational-deducing strategies used by Sherlock Holmes seriously fall in the category of something expansively NLP because it increases the options you have in life. You can (and will) draw these truthful, accurate conclusions seemingly from thin air. Yes, that is impressive and makes for a great trick, but also for your own awareness and heightened observational skills this is extremely potent. It’s so valuabl eto understand how we go from submodality observations and asking the who, what, how, where, when (and sometiems why) questions to arrive at the causes and behavioral conditions and capabilities behind what we see. Wolves are notably more intelligent than dogs because of their 30% increased intelligence and heightened “observational learning”. Observational learning means that they’ll figure out how the cage they’re in works, and can quickly escape than anything without observational learning. Similarly, learning and Applying Holmes meta-strategy for drawing deductive conclusions from heightened observations frees you and expands your life MUCH more than the person who does not use this strategy. Ultimately, by using and applying Holmes’ filtering and questing and tying up observations with cultural assumptions, imaginations, and facts to reach inferecnes and then conclusions from the summation and formulaic equations of those inferences, you truly will lead a more liberated, more full, more complete life than someone who does not use these strategies. So learn on!

The fusion of cultural assumption & Fact with the observation is key and often the overlooked step.

If you see someone lightly hesitantly putting his hand on a woman’s shoulder (observation), it’s likely it’s their first date (inference) because if they had gone on many dates, there likely would be no hesitation (cultural assumption)!

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“There are these four ways of answering questions. Which four? There are questions that should be answered categorically [straightforwardly yes, no, this, that]. There are questions that should be answered with an analytical (qualified) answer [defining or redefining the terms]. There are questions that should be answered with a counter-question. There are questions that should be put aside.
These are the four ways of answering questions. ”
– Buddhist Quote

Straigthforward-answer, redefinition of terms, counter-question, neglect/discard the question = Straightup beverage, “what ingredients are in that drink?”, “is that the best drink on the menu? Have you tried..xyz?” “i’m not thirsty”. I LOVE This because it gives you permission to understand that questions are really truly what we make of them. and we don’t have to make anythong of them (discard), and can answer them if want (direct), or change them (redefine), or simply bounce them back (counter-question). I always thought I had to choose between categorically (directly) answering a question or not. Now I realize that was only 1/4 of my total options!

Question. You’re drinking a cup of lukewarm tea? You want to have it taste warmer. How do you make it taste warmer without a stove, microwave or anyway to heat the tea??

Think about this. It’s a riddle.

Now the answer to our riddle as you may have guess. Answer: You drink a cup of frigid icewater!! Seriously, try this is it’s amazing. The contrast principle seriously does work on a neurological level as well as perceptive level. If you have a bowl of lukewarm water that you want to “feel colder” douse your hand in hotwater for 60 seconds. The lukewarm water will feel frigid now compared to the hand that was in cold water (or the hand just at body temperature)!

What about hottubs. A jacuzzi is a very warm water physical shift, so things outside of the jacuzzi that may have felt hot, will now feel lukewarm, and the lukewarm temperatures may feel even chilly!

Cold showers. Taking cold showers will make everything feel warmer! You want to “increase the sensual perceptive temperature of the jacuzzi” but don’t want to wait 4 hours for the water temperature to change? Simple. Take a frigid cold shower! Then jumping in the Jacuzzi will genuinely perceptively feel 10° warmer!

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Most of these were galvanized from changingminds.org, a fantastic site (listed in “choice linkage”).

Yes set close is actually asking a series of 2-3 “definite yes” answers. “You’re alive right?” Right. Now, you’ve slept in the past 48 hours right? Right. You remember what the face of your Parents look like right? Right . You want to sign this contract now right? Right. Yes set close is generating a “rut” of yes responses so you can just pop in the question you desire yes from into that rut and there’s a great likelihood of a yes response to the desirable question.

State Calibration

Body language can never lie; words and statements, however, can. Learning to calibrate increases your ability to know what a person is feeling. This becomes extremely potent when trying to eliminate confusion in communication and also to avoid getting deluded with words.

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming, State Calibration is just “indicators” of a person’s state. When the red light is on on the oven, it mean it’s heating up. When you’ve calibrated a person, you can know that a specific person a brow furrowed, right eye squinted and hunched means they’re perplexed. Therefore the “brow furrowed, right eye squinted and hunched” state is like the red light on the oven; both the red oven light and the furrowed brow, squint, and hunch serve as indicators for what’s going on “inside”.

How do you calibrate a state? When you see a person having a unique body posture, or movement, you ask them what they feel, and if they respond, you’ll know that that specific external body language, posture, breathing, and the like corresponds to their state! ANY time you see them with “brow furrowed, right eye squinted and hunched, ask them what they’re feeling. If they respond, you’ve just successfully calibrated their state! Now whenever you see that external body languae, you will understand that for that person it calibrates to “perplexed”.

A green light on the oven could mean, “cleaning mode”, just as someone who’s in a state where their breathing is steady, chest out, and smiling, and you ask them what they feel they’ll say “happy” you’ve calibrated that “breathing is steady, chest out, and smiling” to mean happy for THEM. So to that specific person, just as the green light means “cleaning mode”, “breathing steady, chest out, and smiling” means “feeling happy”. Now, “breathing is steady, chest out, and smiling” does not mean happy for every person; just that specific person. To continue the analogy to now an absurd level of metaphor (LOL!) everyone’s “oven” is built different with different indicator lights. The oven lights are just a metaphor for “external indicator” that calibrates to an “internal state”.

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Very Cool list of 4 Personality types on persuasion blog. This article covers the driver, which may be my personality most often. Although I can definitely relate to amiable, analytical and definitely expressive, too. I may be analytical; highly likely with a few expressive or driver traits. My brother James seems to be analytical. My brother thomas, possibly amiable.

However, these are similar to a system I already prefer. And that’s Virginia Satir’s Computer, Placater, Distractor, and Blamer types. However these deal specifically how you interact with others. The above 4 types are vauge, Satir’s are very easy to apply however!

An AMAZING site here with this Building Rapport article. I love the lists. I love the bullet-point format for organization and quick access to information. And Rapport is merely a small portion of the NLP’s bracket of communicational tools (along with pacing leading (with representational system predicates, tone, voice, body language), congruence). But for learning Rapport. This article is AMAZiNG. very helpful. nice.
I see why rapport could be a great tool. It makes the other person think you’re part of their tribe (when in reality you’re very different). I’ve VERY different from most people I meet and therefore if I want to connect with someone for the purposes of business generating rapport is a must for me. then I can just break state and resume being myself after the rapport exchange

Also “warning warning salesman salesman!” LMAO!!! I think people totally think that about me occasionally. good tip on matching pace of speech, tone, and source (nose, chest, throat).

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we talked about the like design of our diploma, thomas being a doctor, my awesome NLP stuff I loved, That felt like a REAL conversation. A great and valuable and meaningful conversation, too! Because we talked about something obscure (a lot of my conversations are like my reciting some blog post or future blog post sometimes haha!) the diplomas, thomas being a doctor — stuff that basically only we could have a conversation a bout, so that made it more fun and rewarding and meaningful too. On that topic, what exactly is qualifications for a “good, rewarding, GREAT phone convo”? Well, I’ve give this lot of thought. I think the best phone conversations are ones that are unique and highly-specific and maybe even obscure to the people in the conversation. In otherwords, highly relevant somewhat subjective phone calls! Now, I love universals — universal truths, universal math, universal language, those solid everywhere you go truths, I love! But in phone calls I’ve spent a lot of time telling, kind of broadcasting, almost to people the same update or current event of my life or inspirational idea. That’s GREAT to do for a seminar or for a motivational lifecoaching session because if it what you say is inspiring and great and motivational then more people should hear it! Great!! But for a casual phone conversation…sure it’s great to share the inspirational snippet great! But ultimately, I could broadcast an inspirational snippet in a blog or hopefully when I get actual lifecoaching phone sessions going, so for a casual conversation, strangely I feel the most rewarded when we discuss something highly specific and relevant to each other!

I just had a great, great convo with my brother James and we talked about the text-font-design of our college diplomas as well as our younger brother’s career path! haha! A very bizarre thing to examine but it was a topic — a conversational topic — that only could really exist from the relationship that exists between my brother and I.

For the longest time I erroneously thought the best phone conversation was me broadcast some inspirational lesson or message, and YES, that DOES have a place, if I’m in rapport with an audience or a person who’s interested at that time in hearing and experiencing a motivational message, but if it’s just a casual conversation, broadcasting a huge motivational message kind of just has a neutral effect and isn’t as uplifting as a highly specific person-to-person relevant conversation!! That was very surprising to me!

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The Assignment:
Practice Rapport and Mismatching!!! — 2 Phone Convos — in phone call observe auditorally the quality of the conversation with matching voice tone nad language rapport and then see how easy (hopefully) it is to end the call when you mismatch rapport (speaking loud if voice is soft, soft if loud slow if fast, fast if slow etc) mabye may not even need to say ” gotta go !” –

March 30, 2009
10:14 AM

YES!! Totally did this with Citibank person. she had slow southern drawl that I matched, with ALL Visual predicates rock on1! and I matched those “does it show in teh screen?” “I’m trying to not be in the dark” “I see that I made a deposit on 3/3, but that it shows a new statement starting on 3/15″, So Matched the s low pace and the visual predicates, then when I had to go I sped up pace a lot and switched to auditory GREAT!! and It like LAUNCHED me into the next thing I wanted to do instead of having lingering d oubts about hte conversation. it felt like I was in control (well certianly in rapport with) the convo and the best thing si that you get to know differnt types of people by doing reapport and I felt like I thought like southerner with a drawl for a bit then and i LOVED the closure mismatching created when I ended the phone convo. SO awesome!!! RAD!!! SUCCESS!! That felt great because I “saw eye to eye” lol with the person using their preferred representational system (visual) and their preferred speed-tone (slower) and i created that rappport for understanding and then when ended teh conversation, I mismatched with auditory and fast (likely my preferred rep system!) wanted to check in to see if she was trying to match with mine like she might thoguht my prefererd was visual so she tried tomatch that but, bah, not likley people arent’ that cpmle.x HEY that was awesome!! Cool as!! great!! Felt awes.e one more of those ! Cool! One VERY cool thing I did at the beginning of the conversations was I cycled through all three VAK representational systems saying “I’m trying to see if..”…this sounds right but..I don’t feel like it went through” So I PRESENTED the V-A-and K represetnational predicates to almost kind of push her to start using her preferred one, subconsciously that could imply that we’re going to start using representational system predicates in this conversation “you better choose your preferred or else you’ll be confused” and she went with visual. But that VAK cycle at the beginning kind of ELICITTED or sparked her to start using her preferred, and then all we did was use visual so it was GREAT predicate matching!! So awesome!!

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When we ask “why?” to a friend, we must carefully choose our intention so that it is only derived from a genuine source of energizing grace. “Why?” frequently can insinuate covert aggression, harbor anger destructively, and it can imply dubious lack of faith in a person. Why BLANK? Why not? Why ask why? You ask why because you need justification. You do not believe. If you didn’t understand, you would ask “How?”. How explains. Why adjudicates. Why is a question of judgment and as Kierkegaard pointed out, “when you label me, you negate me”. Therefore, the judgemental inquisition of “Why”, negates. Use “Why” with care my friend.

A better solution is to say openly, I don’t believe in your idea, but if you could elaborate on your intention behind it, I might understand the perspective of your wisdom with great lucidity. Expanding judgments to the point where they become affirmations of acceptance, when done with sincerity and honesty, forms incredibly resilient bonds of trust and clarifying connection.

Heating up the conversation, getting loud, intense, guttural, and very charged comes when you speak with your intention from the lower chakras. You can really start cooking if you put your intention on the orange chakra; and you’re an unstoppable ball of screaming energy when you focus on the root chakra. Then if you draw your energy back up to the heart, throat, mind’s eye, or crown, you speak, respectively with more and more slow, serene, more highly-calculated, “higher source” area.

In communicating through voice, you draw from all chakras, independently, at different times.

Each chakra has the equal amount of deliberateness, sincerity, and intention, but drawing from different chakras to communicate will vary the cadence, speed, tonal inflection, and vigorousness of body language and hand gesturesde. Depending on the listener or audience, some chakras will be more poignant, convincing, and communicate the message more clearly. For example, with an easily distracted youthful teen, the wild, rockstar-like, deep guttural, quick-movement animation from the root chakra will instantly draw their intention. However, to an elderly person, or very sensitive and wise person, such an explosive interaction would frighten them or cause them to deactivate as a listener. In the case of an older and/or calmer person communicating from the throat and above chakras would be the most effective circuitry.

Experiment with different chakra schematics, but then develop an ability to assess which chakra locus of communication derives the most effective message beforehand. Being able to study a person like the lion and then commit with curious intensity like the shark to whatever chakra communicational level is appropriate at that time is your key to being not just an effective, but a synergistic, compelling, alluring, and captivating communicator.

Ideas get old fast. Putting your ideas in a book and publishing it is a great way to etch some of those mental connections on paper. But because the writing, editing, publishing, and distributing process is anything but instantaneous, many of the ideas or outdated, compared to the everchanging contemporary zeitgeist. The most effective way to provide to that ceasely transforming collective spirit is through voice and communication. But chronicling your knowledge and experiences certainly never can hurt and naturally creates a foundation of stability.

“Parents exist to be grown out of,” writes John Wolfenden. Make sure we grow out of ourselves by learning about our personality traits with our certainty.